The Christ Corporation

Good day my friends and followers.  My sincerest apologies for the lapse in communication, but when one is traipsing about the globe visiting dignitaries and religious leaders it is a trying and difficult thing to keep an active blog.  If only I could have taken my computer with me.  Of course even then I would have only been able to connect to the internet at the hotels–a monumental task–and they claimed only to have a signal they refer to as “wireless”, which is an oddity as it would seem improbable that information could be passed without having wires with which to do it.  Oh, to miss America, I tell you.  There were many occasions where I longed simply to reach out across the ocean and go to my PC from afar, but alas that just isn’t possible.  I may be Christ, and I may be able to work Miracles, but I’m not Stretch Armstrong.

Regardless, I have returned and I hope to bring you scores of pictures once Arvin completes the download for me.  I am in the process of catching up on email and trying to answer the many Prayer Requests that have been sent in my absence.  Thank you all so much for your patience and support.  It isn’t often that a Christ is called a broad, but in these important times, in this year in which so much of our country and its future is to be determined, it becomes so much more important to have a face in the world and try to leave a lasting impact.

I must keep this short for now, as there is so much work to catch up on, but I will bring to you a very important anouncement in the next 48 hours.  So stay tuned and keep praying!

 Yours always,

–B.C

Um…hello I guess.  My name is Peter and I am the disciple of Christ.  Well, I mean I’m a disciple…of…you know.  I’m not the only one of course, there are eleven others here too.  Of course, that isn’t to mean that there are only tweleve, you know…ever.  It’s not accurate to say that there’s only twelve since some of you–well, most of you hopefully–are disciples of Christ too.  I suppose what I am saying is that there are twelve here at The Christ Corporation who work with Christ every day and out of those twelve am I one.  As a disciple, I have been told that it is my duty to spread the word, or the Gospel in a way, of Christ and to help those in the world who are uncertain about things.  Not, ‘things’, exactly I guess but more like, ‘things that are not so easy to come to understand because they are complicated and difficult and are not things that you commonly dwell upon, like God, because for one reason or another you don’t’.  Or something like that.  They don’t write scripts for these blogs so I think that’s essentially what I am supposed to say.

I mean, I could say more.  There seems to be an awful lot of space here and I guess it would be a shame to just leave it open.  I’m not even sure what happens to the open space if you just leave it.  Does it go away?  Is that what the internet is?  A lot of open space where people may not have written all that they could have?  It would certainly explain why there are so many pictures on the internet.  Really, you may not realize how many pictures there are out there.  I know I didn’t.  I’m still not sure how many there are, but I know it’s a lot.  And you have to be careful which pictures you look at because you may accidentally come across pictures that are not entirely appropriate for people to look at.  I was just on the internet the other day–well, that is to say I was on the computer, or actually in front of it while doing the internet thing place on the computer…oh…um, anyway however you say it, I was looking at stuff on the internet and typed the word, ‘mounds’ because I was having an argument with Bartholomew about whether or not there was a candy by that name and low and behold what to I find but this…no wait…this.  Hold on please.

This.

Ok.  I’m not very good at this blogging thing.  Fortunately Arvin is very helpful.  Thank you Arvin.  Oh, he says I don’t have to type that, but I already have so oh well.  Anyway, where was I?  Oh yeah, Mounds.  Did you see that picture?  Crazy huh?  I had to go out and get one right away!  Boy was Bartholomew mad!  But they sure were right.  I was extremely satisfied.

So, I guess I’m going to have to get back to all this space later.  It’s going to take a while to fill it all up.  I just keep going down and it just keeps going.   See look…

And that’s just some of it.  I’ll have to save the rest and not waste it.  Arvin say that the Disciples need to go disciple.  I’ll have to see what he has in mind.

Bye.

My friends, I can so no more up front than you must watch this video.  There is a threat amongst us and we must act now.

 I never thought I’d see Oprah stoop to this level.  She is becoming something greater than you or I originally thought she would be, and if we do not act soon, all may be lost.  Don’t get lost in the hype about this my friends, this is a true threat to us all.  Perhaps her fondness for Mr. Tolle, or Ms. Eadie, or Ms. Williamson may ring with a nice kind of plesantry that might possibly make life sound easier without God, but I promise you, these are the words of false prophets. 

I am told that both Peter and Paul spoke of many antichrists who ‘had come and will come.’ An antichrist, so that you know, is defined as one who either vehemently apposes and works against God, or one who attempts to stand in place of God.  These are referred to as False Messiahs and they mean to do nothing more than turn us against God.

And truly, it has me thinking.  Oprah cannot be the sole Antichrist amongst us, not if there are to be ‘many’.  It seems so passe to intigrate these false messiahs into the entertainment industry, where the brainwashing effect can be so much stronger and so much more damning to the soul.  I have spent the past two days reviewing television shows and movies and have come to the realization that the spawns of Satan are everywhere!  The Terminator…a foe, a friend, a power stronger than our will…a duplication of Satan and his maniacal ambition to conquer us all!  By the end of this series of movies, we have been given a vehicle to feel nothing but loss for this ‘hero’ and are practically encouraged to feel empathy for him.  Spongebob Squarepants and his ‘underwater paradise’…a parallel to the Underworld of Satan and how blissful it is to live in his ‘paradise’?  Lost…aren’t we all?  Or aren’t we…not?  But somehow these stranded ’souls’ are uplifted and encouraged to remain so for the sake of entertainment.  Is this another example of Hollywood’s ambition to see us all become sinners?  Family Guy…need I say more?  This show is replete with a non-stop barrage of anti-God rhetoric and does nothing more than attempt to illicit the need within us all for anarchy.  I see but one golden gem hidden in the ashes of this insanity:  the soothing peace and soulful passion of the one and only Adam West.  God bless him and his heroic trek through Hollywood.

But the one that strikes me greater than any other…the one that shifts in my mind like a pawn on the chessboard of my memory is none other than that vile, heathen worshipping, industrious garbage known as The Golden Girls.  There is no other show that has so willingly mocked the Holy Trinity than this monstrousity.  Blanche the Body, Dorothy the Mind and Rose the Soul.  Watch them as they desicrate the name of God and cower to the mighty power of the Dark One, Estelle.  Continually these ‘women’ twist the blessings of life into a cesspool of insidious reference and a promise of good will if only one can move beyond these saintly nom de plumes.  It is vile, it is deceptive and it is the single most obvious intrusion of Satan into our lives up until this new revelation of Oprah.  And let it not be overlooked that these rambunctious ‘women’ dwell in the very hottest place that can be found on our dear Earth.  They are, my friends, agents of Satan and meant to bring only strife and hatred into this world.  Be glad that they are long since off the air.  Do not seek their counsel or you will be lost.

I am sorry to bring such woeful spirit today dear friends.  I will seek a Greater Word and bring it to you very soon.

Bless you all.

Dear readers, the Book of Revelations now has something in common with Ted Turner.  Or perhaps it is that Ted Turner has finally read the Book of Revelations.  I’m not entirely sure which of these is true–or if both–but I do know that recent comments by Mr. Turner have indeed spelled out the woe that is to come to those not initiated in the righteous quest of The Christ Corporation.  Read his words here, or just go grab hold of your Bible and take a look through Revelations yourself.  Now, Mr. Turner evokes the cause of Global Warming as the ultimate doom of humanity, citing that humans will run out food in 30 or 40 years because of a dramatic rise in temperatures and maybe that is true.  But I assure you that the Sun is not on a crusade to wipe out humanity.  Nor is the Earth trying to shake loose the fleas that have infested it.  Nor is a burrito the greatest food ever existed, not in the eyes of God.  No sir.  It is humanity itself that is bringing about its own doom, living in an everlasting house of sin and taking the elevator straight to Hell with their continued dismissal of God and His worthy ways.

My friends, just a simple acceptance in your heart, and a weekly tithe to God will stay your wake in this horrific time to come.  No, Mr. Turner’s facts are not in order but his message might as well be taken for the truthiness that it is.  The Christ Corporation is here to usher you into a more peaceful life, take you along a purer path, and to offer you the reassurance that God will always see you into safety.  And what could truly be better than blue skies, a warm sun, infinte bliss, everlasting love and a nice glass of Communion Wine (California’s finest reserve!)?  It is yours to be, yours to embrace, yours to enjoy for all of eternity, if only you seek it.  Let the world have its cannibalism and horror, floods and hurricanes and famine and dogs who will bite you for just walking by on your way to the store even though you were just minding your own business and thinking about biscuits.  You need not worry.  Call on us.  Visit us.  Email me with your concerns or fears.  Come and partake in the Offering, give your heart and soul to God and I will lead you home.

It is that simple.  Even our misguided friend, Mr. Turner, could still be redeemed.  He may yet do so, or he may just plan on converting his Buffalo Burger place into a new facet of food service when the End Times arrive. 

Come and see for yourself.  We’re always home.

 Bless you all in my name.

Hello and good evening to you all.  I am Judas, apostle to Christ and you have managed to find yourself in the company of my blog.  Despite my absence in person, I do hope that all that I have to say…all that I have to offer you on this page will help inspire and motivate you to excellence in your life.  After all, it is the desire to perceived in the light of excellence before God that is the central and most important facet of humanity.  For where would be if we knew only the slovenly amplification of the distressed and disheveled, mired in a cast of sorrow without the finely tuned expectation of self?  I guess the answer would be, “nowhere within the etheral scope of God’s vision”.

I get emails religiously (sorry, I can’t help that one…one of my favorites) from followers of Christ who wish to know how one maintains a dignified and aesthetically pleasing image while still remaining beholden to the Christ we follow.  Believe me, it doesn’t happen easily, and you can stand and admire your attire all you wish in the mirror without finding that answer, I assure you!  I think though, dear reader, that if you aspire to public recognition by way of image, or if you long to empower yourself in the eyes of others, go no further than the look of Business Causal.  It is the penultimate trend of the 21st century and the modern means by which to acheive success without a complete overhaul of your wardrobe.

Our good friend Doug at Dress One offer these simple rules for the business casual look:

Instructions

Difficulty: Moderately Easy

Step 1:
Ask your human resources department for official guidelines. Business casual means different things at different companies. At a large corporation, it may mean a sport coat with a tie; at a smaller company, it may mean khakis and a polo shirt.

Step 2:
Before you go casual, check your daily planner to make sure you don’t have any meetings that require formal business attire.

Step 3:
Select clean, pressed and wrinkle-free clothes. Your outfit should communicate professionalism.

Step 4:
Wear a collared shirt with an undershirt. You can break up the oxford shirt monotony by wearing a linen or flannel shirt or one with a band collar. Knitted shirts and polo shirts are also generally acceptable. A casual sport coat is appropriate.

Step 5:
Wear khakis, chinos, corduroys or other non-denim slacks. Check your company’s policy before you decide to wear jeans to work.

Step 6:
Be sure to wear a belt, and have it match the color of your shoes.

Step 7:
Wear socks that match the color of your pants leave white socks or tube socks in your gym bag.

Step 8:
Choose oxfords, loafers, rubber soled leather shoes or boots for casual day. Wingtips are often too formal. Worn-out shoes, sandals or athletic shoes don’t make the grade.

The Corporate World’s other “Billy” showing you how it’s done.

Informal Attire is another great use of proper business ettiquette to get yourself noticed and to stand out without standing in front of those you were meant to stand beside.  Either one of these methods is deemed appropriate in most corners and can easily offer you opportunities you might not have had otherwise.  Most importantly however–if you don’t feel marvelous, you can never look marvelous!

Keep an eye out for further tips.  I’ll be watching!

Spring is almost here and despite the snowfall on Saturday, I think that the warmth is around the corner.  Which is a good thing for us all, since we know that cold weather is responsible for any number of difficulties of the mind and body and sometimes both at the same time.  If not altogether the same with mind and body at once.  Something like that anyway.  I heard it on the radio yesterday, though I have to admit I only caught the tail end of the conversation.  Come to think of it, I’m not entirely certain what the topic was, but I know for a fact that I distinctly heard something about cold weather affecting something profoundly.  I know it affects my body, as well as the Missus.  I would reason that that is the reason why our home is regularly 75 degrees and a touch tropical.  Or it could be because of the plants that the Missus keeps.  Ferns or some such, and some of the other more leafy types as well.  I don’t know what they are really.  Actually I never touch them.  The last time I did, in a miscalculated act of heroic husbandry, I mistakenly dumped cat litter in the, um, whatchamacalits, thinking it was plant food.  Who knew that they just needed water?

Not that the cat minded much as she typically uses the plants to go…you know what…in.  Which is something I’ve never quite understood as I can’t imagine that squatting in a plant to do your business would be all that entertaining.  Might as well go native and live in your backyard, or some other wooded area not too far from home.  Not that I’ve ever done that mind you.  Being Christ is a full time job and requires not only a dedication to the world but also to the media and other outlets of information like this very one here.  I mean, the time required to prep for interviews, endure the process of make up and wardrobe, and the neverending litany of legality issues resulting from the delicate balance of word selection versus intent versus misinterpretation that could lead to a global loss of profits is time consuming enough as it is.  I think that’s why the Missus does the plant thing.  It’s our way of communing with nature.  Sometimes you can just look at those plants and imagine what it must have been like thousands of years ago for our tribal brethren.  Less civilized brethren of course, but I can’t condemn them for their ignorance.  After all, one cannot fully embrace the Almighty power of God without first being able to read the words.  It is after all what separates the nomadic wanderer from the practiced faith of the Founder’s disciples.  It is a true testament to the power of literacy!

Arvin (my dutiful Associate) has just stepped in the office to inform me that the Offering is about to get underway, so I must go.  Needless to say, as this very blog has spelled out, Spring will bring warmth and then it won’t be so cold.

Good day and I bless you all.

Well, my friends, it has just come to my attention that a willful and terribly unnecessary attack has been brought against me, and frankly I am astonished that such lies and misdeceptions can be ignominously levied without constitution…al something or another.

Behold for yourself the lies of the biased media!

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/28817 

Now, let me reassure you that the man in that photo is most certainly not me, Billy Christ, CEO of The Christ Corporation.  I’m not really all that sure that he’s even a business man if you ask me!  Additionally, the reporter has listed the accused as “Jesus Christ”, when we are all quite aware of the fact that our beloved Founder perished some two thousand years ago.  Obviously this particular “journalist” is grossly underqualified and unwilling to participate in the slightest form of research in writing his stories.  Now, admittedly it’s not terribly uncommon for an imposter to parade about declaring himself Me or for that matter, the Founder (though even those are a rarity given the prominence of The Christ Corporation), but it is most uncommon for such a horrific representation of journalism from what appears to be a beforehand reputable news source.  Goodness knows I have spent many a day keeping up with the National Doings through this outlet; however, if this is their idea of quality reporting than perhaps I’ll stick to Fox News.  At least there I know I can get an unbiased perspective on current events.  Shame on you Onion.  Shame.

I will leave you with the full confidence of your faith and the knowledge that you are unlikely to fall prey to such viscious slander of my personage.  Rest assured that this will be taken care of and that this…reporter person will be dealt with accordingly.

I am Billy Christ, representative of The Christ Corporation and purveyor of God’s Word.  I am not a murderer.  And I most certainly don’t have such hideous hair.

Bless you all.

–BC

Hello and a blessed day to you all.  My name is Matthew and I am one of the Apostles, or Disciples, of our CEO and Spiritual Leader, Billy Christ.  I have been given the charge of detailing, on behalf of The Christ Corporation, the many facets of our operation that are designed for outreach to those seeking the comfort of God’s Great Will.  We live in a time of great struggle: wars, attacks on our personal liberties, religious persecution, the failing lapse of the family union and a political landscape that, shall we say, lacks seriously in moral fiber.  For those amongst the chaos in dire need of a lasting peace, a greater sense of self and responsibilty to their fellow man, for those who feel to their core that a higher purpose is calling you to greater deeds, we at The Christ Corporation are here to serve your needs. 

 On a daily basis we work throughout the communities of America offering the hand and forgiveness of the Almighty.  Of our many faith-based programs is the Offering, a weekly gathering at the Headquarters of The Christ Corporation for those wishing to profess their devotion to God and His Divine Will.  One by one, our CEO, Billy Christ, will listen to your prayers, your wishes, your very heart as you profess your devotion to God and call upon His charitable soul to help you in your time of need.  It is an unparalleled step into God’s Grace and a lasting walk into a new life.  All that is required of you is faith, a humble heart, a desire to bring about change in your life and a simple and unselfish Offering of whatever your heart tells you to Offer.  How much would you Offer to have God in your life?  How much would you Offer to open the door to Salvation?  How can money truly compare to what God can give you in return?  Well, my friends, I know my answer.  What is yours?

The doors to The Christ Corporation are always open.  We welcome you into our home, our sanctuary, our humble church.  May God bless you this day.

Until next time.

Another day, another dollar and um, well…something that I can’t seem to recall at the moment.  It has something to do with shoes, or snow, or maybe a piece of pie.  It’s a shame, really.  It’s a really clever saying.

Nevertheless, I trudge forward, into the Past.  It has been brought to my attention that there are people in this world who are not familiar with the history of The Christ Corporation.  Though I find this to be somewhat unlikely, I have been encouraged to pretend, for the moment, that it is not unlikely, but unlikely to not be likely.  So, with that in mind, I offer you…(drum roll)

The (Brief) History of The Christ Corporation (ba da da da!):

The origins of The Christ Corporation can be traced to the Founder, and original Christ, Jesus.  Upon the untimely end of his Tenure as Christ, his Disciples, led byPeter and John, forged a union and began what would become the greatest and most financially solvent organization the world has known.  When Jesus returned, he did so with the blessing of God and with the sole mission of Anointing his successor–which he did after meeting with his Disciples.  Thus began the tenure of Danny Christ and the very foundation of the potent and viable entity that is Christianity.

There have been 61 CEO’s of the Christ Corporation since that time (I count myself lucky number 62).  Thanks in part to strategic alliances (Our brethren at God’s Favorite Chruch have a special place in our hearts) sound and fundamental economic consistency and stalwart leadership, our membership has grown from those faithful 12 men to well over two hundred million men and women worldwide.  We are, as our many members will attest, a singular and vitally important cog in the grand expanse that is the spiritual wheel of God’s Great Chariot.  And the future is right up ahead…on the right I think.

That’s not so much the long and short of it as it is the short long of it.  I’m not much of, um, an? historian and you’re best to peruse the pages of The Christ Corporation, A History by Jean Paul Lemeaux than to rest upon my little bits of historical history.

So, that’s all for now.  I think a nice bath is in order.

Welcome to The Christ Corporation!

I am told that I should write this as if I were talking to you and therefore not simply writing some writing that you aren’t there to read at all.  I’m not really sure if that makes it any less confusing for either of us, since I know you aren’t here right now and I’m not there with you…if you are there at all.  And even if you are, I don’t know where there is precisely so that’s a bit more of a quandry than I expected to find myself in this early on.  I have become, in my thirty plus years as CEO and Christ of The Christ Corporation, a bit accustomed to actually talking to somebody face to face, if not a throng of over enthusiastic media folk, so this whole blogging thing is a bit to me like, um, the little flying fairy things in that Land place, wherever it was.

Anyway…

I suppose an introduction is in order.  My name is Billy Christ (though you should know that by now) and–as mentioned–I have been CEO and Christ of The Christ Corporation for thirty-two years now.  Though I don’t prefer to reflect on it often, my term will come to an end sometime in the next year.  I don’t know when, no Christ every does, but I’m sure I’ll know before it happens.  At least I suppose.  It’s what I’ve been told.  Thirty-three years…such a great tenure but it seems to have gone exceptionally fast.  I’m sure that when the Anointing of the new Christ comes along, I will…well I don’t know what I’ll do.  I think the Missus has discussed the idea of Florida and some sand or something.

Actually I’d rather not think of it.

Matter of fact, I seem to have lost the desire to talk, so I think a few glasses of Communion Wine are in order.  It’s a wonderful blend.  California’s finest.

–Billy Christ